Thinking. Again, why is it I think food will feed the empty spot inside me? Over and over I've found it doesn't, but that has never stopped me from trying. Kind of like a Chinese puzzle. When my repeated attempts at solution don't work, I still try the same thing one more time. I'm sure psychologists have a term for that. I probably don't want to know what it is.
More thinking. Why do I think food is my friend? It has betrayed me again and again. And yet, I can't seem to leave it. That wonderful Broadway show, A Chorus Line, has a beautiful plaintive song, "What I Did For Love." I sing it to myself this way - "What I Did For Food." It shames me to think of what I've done to make sure I wouldn't be left out or miss out on my "fair" share of food. I'm gulping pain today, on my way to learning where to stuff it. I have phone numbers. I have literature, tools and resources. I have God nearby. I'll get up and do something. In a minute.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Volume Control
I've been to the refrigerator four times already. It's only 8:30 in the morning. It's a mindless habit, reaching for the handle and scanning the contents.
I asked for a recommitment chip at yesterday's OA meeting. It was a necessary step to guide me back to Program.
It's different today than before. Before, I wasn't even conscious of how many times food drew me to the shelves and cupboards of my kitchen. I ate frequently, whether happy, bored, stressed, sad, worried. The pounds piled up over the years until I reached a weight that shocked me. There they were, on the bathroom scales, those numbers that screamed Enough! Stop!
Today, I've managed to shut the door on the sweet offerings of the refrigerator, or at least postpone until later.
I'm learning about volume control. Not just the volume dial on a loud TV, but a quantity volume control. Less food equals less me, so I dusted off the food scale. I let it add up the ounces of food spooned into my mouth. It feels good not to eat to the point of bursting. Bending over is easier already.
Come to think of it, this volume control does double duty, even silencing the noises of reproach in my head. I can hear the good voices more clearly. They are the encouraging voices from OA that follow me through the minutes and hours of Program when I can't even think about focusing on a whole day.
I'm turning this volume control up to LOUD!
I asked for a recommitment chip at yesterday's OA meeting. It was a necessary step to guide me back to Program.
It's different today than before. Before, I wasn't even conscious of how many times food drew me to the shelves and cupboards of my kitchen. I ate frequently, whether happy, bored, stressed, sad, worried. The pounds piled up over the years until I reached a weight that shocked me. There they were, on the bathroom scales, those numbers that screamed Enough! Stop!
Today, I've managed to shut the door on the sweet offerings of the refrigerator, or at least postpone until later.
I'm learning about volume control. Not just the volume dial on a loud TV, but a quantity volume control. Less food equals less me, so I dusted off the food scale. I let it add up the ounces of food spooned into my mouth. It feels good not to eat to the point of bursting. Bending over is easier already.
Come to think of it, this volume control does double duty, even silencing the noises of reproach in my head. I can hear the good voices more clearly. They are the encouraging voices from OA that follow me through the minutes and hours of Program when I can't even think about focusing on a whole day.
I'm turning this volume control up to LOUD!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Starting Place
My journal fell open to the entry for my fifth day under the wings of OA. Reading it took me back to those feelings I felt then.
I wrote:
Was this a good idea? Why did I think I should start on this journey just before a holiday? I don't have a food plan yet; no sponsor; no days of recovery stacked up in reserve; just my Newcomer Chip with the engraved Serenity Prayer. This chip means a lot. It was held and meditated over by each member of the group before giving it into my keeping. The timing seems appropriate to the people on the chairs in this circle. Before a holiday, after a holiday, middle of the year - makes no difference. Getting started is what makes the difference.
So far, all I have is this: An armload of my messy life, a desperate fingertip grip on hope, Program's welcome packet, and a gnawing spiritual hunger. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
I wrote:
Was this a good idea? Why did I think I should start on this journey just before a holiday? I don't have a food plan yet; no sponsor; no days of recovery stacked up in reserve; just my Newcomer Chip with the engraved Serenity Prayer. This chip means a lot. It was held and meditated over by each member of the group before giving it into my keeping. The timing seems appropriate to the people on the chairs in this circle. Before a holiday, after a holiday, middle of the year - makes no difference. Getting started is what makes the difference.
So far, all I have is this: An armload of my messy life, a desperate fingertip grip on hope, Program's welcome packet, and a gnawing spiritual hunger. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
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